Parody

Lax Bros: For Dummies

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Ben Quinlan (left) and Pat Campbell showing off their “flow” during lacrosse season.

By: Kaley R.

Another year another season; It’s time for Duxlax Nation. Numerous lacrosse “lax” bros have been working on getting big during the offseason, maintaining their flow and visiting the tanning bed in order to perfect their midcalf tan line before the season even starts. Here are the steps to perfect your inner lax bro.

Step 1: How to dress. In order to be a lax bro, one must dress like a lax bro. It is recommended you dress perfectly for every occasion. Every game day requires a jacket and tie. Of course that includes Vineyard Vines, pastel pants and or a pastel button down, sometimes both, Sperry topsiders, and a bowtie. For away games or “roadies,” make sure to wear your sweatpants tucked into your mid calves in order to achieve the perfect “swag” level that comes with being a lax bro. Senior Liam S. said, “For gamedays we like to dress up all dapper depending on the game. If it is a game like Silver Lake, we’ll probably keep it “business casual,” but if we play a team like Lincoln-Sudbury usually everyone dresses to the nines and tries to look pretty good, however I am the best dresser on the team so they usually just try to keep up with me.”

When spring and summer roll around continue to rock your Nike Elite mid calves in order to maintain the perfect tan line. Your style should reflect the kind of lax bro you are. One of the starting defensemen for the Duxbury Dragons is Mr. Clark S. he said “I always tell myself ‘you look great today’ it really helps me have confidence at school.” Hunter Marston adds “and who doesn’t like a jacket and tie?

Step 2: Personality. At all times you have to think, “I am a lax bro, be a lax bro,” “Ride or Die,” “SLR” (side line rage), and “God, do I have nice hair or what?” All of these saying can help keep your confidence high and your swag level higher. You should mentally prepare yourself to become instantly popular. However, with the fame comes the blame. Be prepared to take some heat in school if you were to lose a game or have a bad hair day. Basically never have a bad hair day. One of the starting midfielders for the Duxbury Dragons is Mr. Brian C. He said, “Personality wise I am a 10. Athleticism wise I am a 10. Looks wise I am an 11. It’s just how I keep myself sane.”

Step 3: Hair. Practice makes perfect. The offseason is for practice, spring lax season though, that is the big leagues for hair. You must style your hair perfectly everyday! If you have long hair make sure you have flow. There is no time for frizz or curls. If you have a short hair, try to gel the front as a “fohawk” to ensure good looks. For after your lacrosse game, make sure you have helmet hair, even if you didn’t play in the game. It looks “swag” and makes you look like a lax god. Senior attack men Brendan D. said, “I am not much of a flow guy but I would say you need to constantly take care of it so I am always keeping it crisp. My hair requires constant maintenance so a hat is vital, yet again I have never been that much of a flow guy, I would go to Pat C. or Liam S. they have some nice lettuce some of the best on the team.”

All in all, follow the rules as closely as you can to be the ultimate lax bro.

Categories: Parody

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