Parody

Maggie C.: It’s Really Hard To Be This Perfect

A group of DHS students bow down in reverence to Maggie C. #nofilter

A group of DHS students bow down in reverence to Maggie C. #nofilter

By: Aidan T.

Known by many as Katniss Everdeen and by all of her classmates atDuxbury High School as a goddess amongst the commoners, Maggie C. is an inspiration to us all.

After winning two Hunger Games and leading a rebellion against a corrupt dystopian society, Maggie settled down as a normal high school student in the small town of Duxbury, Massachusetts. While her fame as the “Girl on Fire” has brought her international recognition and adoring fans, Maggie prefers the quiet worship of her classmates at DHS. “Everyone kind of worships me so sometimes it’s really hard tobe so perfect,” Maggie confessed. “I think being around everyone at school is good for my image and is also good for the well-being of my fellow classmates. It’s my philanthropic duty tobe at school with the commoners.”

To reach her maximum potential, Maggie undergoes a rigorous morning routine that few could ever truly understand. “I wake up at 7:22 precisely each morning and embrace how amazing I am. I try to measure my awesomeness but unfortunately, a scale that measures something that large has yet to be invented,” said Maggie. Unlike her peasant classmates who have to make their own breakfasts and buy their own coffee, Maggie is waited on by Gordon Ramsay of Hell’s kitchen. “My private chef brings me breakfast and salutes my awesomeness. He actually a really good guy,” Maggie explained

As for her future, the two-time Hunger Games champ is positive she will change the world. “I think I’m destined for greatness. I’m just going to change the world. I’ll probably be a president-fashion-designer-actress-supermodel-doctor-astronaut-combo who marries a prince.” Maggie is also confident in her singing abilities and stated, “Beyoncé bows down to me so that’s probably why I am going to be doing the voice of Elsa in the upcoming Frozen 2.”

Since middle school, Maggie has seldom been seen without her signature blue sequined backpack. While many consider it to be the eighth wonder of the world, Maggie has a different story. “I couldn’t be seen walking around with a backpack that didn’t make my outfit look cute,” Maggie explained. “In eighth grade, the Greek God Zeus wove me a backpack out of his lightning bolts and painted it blue from the paint used to paint the sky blue.”

Since her first year of elementary school, Maggie has graced the halls of the Duxbury Public Schools with her divine presence. However, all good things must come to an end and come May, Maggie will exit the halls of DHS and move on to the real world. For Maggie, this transition will send shockwaves through DHS. “I think people will miss me a lot and I wouldn’t be surprised if the school itself came tumbling down,” Maggie said. “I also wouldn’t be surprised if some teachers retired. After all, their bright happy ray of sunshine will be gone.”

As for the aspiring Maggie C’s of DHS and the world, Maggie gave some sound advice. “No one can really be like me because this level of awesomeness is almost unattainable. I think the best way to be like me is to embrace your awesomeness but it’s really hard for me to give advice to people because I doubt anyone could be, like, as awesome as I am.”

Though Maggie has an impeccable sense of style, millions of adoring fans and an endless number of skills and abilities, Maggie still deals with some of the same struggles as her subordinates. Gluten free by way of an allergy, Maggie’s choice of eyeliner is always a struggle. “Sometimes being gluten free is annoying. I mean, I like my brown eyeliner a lot better than my black eyeliner, but my black eyeliner is my only certified gluten free eyeliner, and it’s like, so annoying because sometimes my eyes just feel so irritated when I just suck it up and wear my brown eyeliner.” Also, while able to drink the water from the water fountains and hydration stations throughout the school, Maggie prefers another method to quench her thirst. “I don’t use the hydration station because that’s for the commoners. I drink the tears of god.”

Categories: Parody

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