Parody

Plover Massacre Scheduled for Saturday, May 9th

Junior Jared D. practices for the plover shootdown

Junior Jared D. practices for the plover shootdown

By: Beni D.

Town and beach officials announced a plover massacre to take place on the beach Saturday May 9 starting at 9:30 a.m. All Duxbury residents are asked to bring their firearms in order to obliterate the plover population.

Town harbormaster, Seymour Waves, a self-proclaimed aquaholic, believes the plover extinction will allow for more public beach access for the beginning summer months. Waves said, “With the rough winters we go through, people want to relax and spend their short summer months on the beach. It’s the reason people move to this town, and it would be wrong for us to take that away from the residents.”

Children will be asked to crawl along the beach and collect plover eggs. Older adolescents and adults are asked to bring any form of rifle or firearm in order to eliminate the endangered species. Coffee and donuts will be provided for all volunteers.

The event was started by activists in the town who saw a need for more public beach access during May and June especially. Resident Cassie Hickman said, “I saw the need for beach access and took the matter into my own hands. It originally started as just me and my kids planning on going and shooting down the birds, but the word began to spread, and we gained support and started the new Plover Extinction Organization.”

Many town residents feel as though this will help us keep our beach alive and well used during the summer. Resident Mark Bauer said, “It’s about time someone did something about these damn plovers; we can’t have them thinking they can dictate our summer vacation plans!”

Please email ploverh8r@aol.com with any questions or visit www.deathtoplovers.com. We are still looking for more volunteers and donations. We hope to see you there.

Categories: Parody

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